People have a basic need to be heard and understood. It’s a two-way activity, taken for granted: one talks, one listens. But to hear is not the same as to listen. To hear is to perceive sound by the ear: capable to hear noise. To listen is to give one’s attention to sound, an active process. People learn to listen in various venues in order to gain information. Many have benefitted from having a sympathetic ear along life’s way. So why do people sometimes forget the value of listening and often fail to connect?
There are many reasons why people may be unwilling or unable to listen to each other. Our minds are busy. One thought rapidly follows another, and it’s easy to miss what someone else is saying. We live in a world with mental and external noise and learn to block a lot of it out. At times it’s necessary to focus on other tasks or only on what we want to say or do and difficult to quiet our minds. Studies tell us people only take in 25 to 50 percent of what they hear. Is it any wonder spouses lament “you don’t listen,” or employees are disheartened the boss doesn’t listen to their concerns?
Listening is a vital component of building and rekindling relationships. As a child I began to learn distinctions between hearing and listening while spending a lot of time with someone deaf, who, unable to hear, often misinterpreted things, or missed them entirely. Later, with advancements in medical technology, this person became able to hear; joyously marveling at every sound, yet accurately assessing sounds and meanings was still a puzzling trait they needed to learn. Many capable hearing people also claim to “listen,” when in reality they take things for granted and miss part or all of what others say.
People are distracted with their own thoughts, perceptions and judgments, what they need to do next, busy thinking of what they want to say, jumping to conclusions, offering comments or “a fix” mid-point, not hearing people out completely, and effectively ending the conversation. They miss the message. We are capable of hearing sound or not. If we are open to it, we learn to listen.
It’s easy to become so focused on saying what we want to say that we forget how to listen…to ourselves…to others…to the sounds of the city or nature. Some are so busy talking, it never occurs to them to listen. There can be equal comfort in listening and in having another truly listen to us. Listening begins with being silent.
Perhaps you’ve heard the adage: keep your mouth shut and your ears open. A teaching tool reminds us that “listen” and “silent” are a clever anagram. The hard part of listening is to be patient and comfortable in silence, truly listening with our undivided attention focused on another. Most people become uncomfortable with silence, and feel the need to talk to fill it. If you become the comfortable, silent one, genuinely listening and observing, you will learn a great deal about yourself and others. Just as something inside seems to shrink when one doesn’t feel heard or understood, that same something seems to expand when we feel someone truly listens.
Listening is not just about the words we hear; listening, without judging or mentally jumping in and out of the conversation, is an act of acknowledgment and respect, making connection with another. To listen with quiet, full attention – or to have another listen, fully present with us – is a wonderful gift. Studies tell us people normally speak approximately 125 to 150 words per minute, but when we listen, we think approximately 500 words per minute, so it’s easy for your mind to wander. And the more our minds wander, the less we listen.
We are also products of unique life experiences and cultures, which sometimes make people see things differently. Good listeners know it’s all about the speaker. No matter how hard-earned your real or imagined success, knowledge or opinions, there are still things you can learn from others, no matter who they are, so don’t be intellectually deaf. Slow down. Suspend your bias, judgments and prejudices; keep an open mind. It’s easy to think you have the gist of someone’s comments and too quickly jump in with a solution or advice, sometimes rambling on. People want to be heard and understood, not “fixed.”
Listening may not solve everything but it’s a good start. Acknowledge you are listening; make eye contact, nod your head, say “uh-huh” or “I understand” at intervals. More than half of all communication is non-verbal, so be aware of non-verbal communication and body language: what is the tone of voice? Is the speaker relaxed or tense? Do they make eye contact or look away? Do their spoken words match their nonverbal behavior? What’s not being said? What’s most important to the speaker? Ask open-ended questions to clarify if needed, such as “what if…?” and “how come?” instead of questions that can be answered with yes or no. If advice is sought, offer alternatives rather than fixed solutions. Validate and respect the feelings of others.
Communication is part of every interaction we have. Too often we focus only on how to best convey our own message, but communication is a two-way activity. One talks, one listens. Good listening is key to any effective exchange; it’s where connection happens. Not listening effectively can close communication, and that’s when relationships end. Listening helps, not listening hurts. So, are you listening?
